The sky glows with varying shades of red, orange, purple and blue. A dazzling display of nature painted across the morning sky. I kneel and close my eyes to meditate. Observing my thoughts drifting in and out of my mind like the clouds gliding slowly across the sky. I can sense the warm glow in the room from the beautiful sunrise and I take count of my blessings. My beautiful home, my kind and loving husband and my cherished family and friends. There is not much more I could ask for in this life and I consider myself exceptionally blessed.

The rocket ship shook and rattled so much on re-entry that Max was sure it was going to break apart. The mission to Neptune had already cost him so much that he couldn’t bear to be defeated at the final stage of his mission. Luther’s final words still echoed in his head “Don’t fuck this up, Max. The entire planet is depending on you!”, but now all he could do was hold tight and hope for the best. As the atmosphere on the deck screens slowly turned from black to blue he knew he had succeeded in saving all mankind.

A friend said that reading about misery can be addicting in light of a tragedy. How true. The need for distraction becomes apparent and I need to force myself to close the news articles and read something light hearted or watch some frivolous comedy instead. A dog playing games with his owner, chasing each other around the house. Conspiring together to just have fun. Such small things become so important to keep my sanity and prevent the obsession with the macabre setting in too deeply. I say silent prayers for those suffering and hug my loved ones that bit tighter.

It’s not my place to judge anyone for the way they choose to live this life. Why should it even matter to me what people do and the decisions they make to make their own lives happier? We are all doing the best we can on this path called life and we all have to do whatever it takes to get through it. I cannot conceive the path that any other person has been on or what they have experienced, so I am no sensible navigator for their future or what they need to make it through the day.

Would you forgive me for being afraid?

Would you forgive me if i give you a bad name?

I’m not sure I can do this,
but I’ll do the best I can.
I know there’s will be times I fail,
but I’ll pick myself up and try again.

Would you forgive me for wanting time alone?

Would you forgive me for shouting in despair?

When I fall to my knees and can’t get up
I’ll need you to pick me up.
And when you are screaming in frustration
I’ll be there to sooth you too.

I will forgive you too.

I said to myself I wouldn’t cry, I’d done that and I was finished. We started talking and it was tough going. We were both unhappy with this conversation but it was obvious it needed to happen. You did some deep thinking and I could tell there was a lot you weren’t saying, and that might have been for the best, but after a while you realised this was huge and could be a deal breaker. I knew it would never come to that for us though, but I guess you didn’t. I’m glad we met in the middle.

Sometimes it seems there is no light in the darkness. The pit is deep and all consuming and I can’t see the top of it or any means of escape. There are rats at my feet and the panic sets. I scratch at the sides helplessly, looking for any purchase to try and climb out, but the side are weak and start to crumble. As bits of earth fall at my feet I step on top of it and continue to scratch at the sides, my fingers bleeding but I ignore the pain. Desperate to get out of this well.

I wish I were rich. I wish that on days like today I could quit my job and never look back. I would open a small bookshop which also sell stationery and fountain pens, and have a kitty sleeping in the corner. I would be a confusing mix of Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail, and Dylan Moran in Black Books; shouting at noises kids but loving the shy, bookish ones. I’d travel the world sourcing stock for my precious little shop, and wear crazy and interesting clothing so little kids would believe me to be a witch.

I wish I knew what you were thinking. What thoughts run through you mind as you stare at me across the lounge, kitty? What do your meows mean when you sit on the coffee table facing the wall? It amuses me kitty, when you stare at the paper crane on the shelf and suddenly flick it off with your cute curled paw, then peer down at it on the floor below you. And I love how you chirp hello at me when I walk back in the room. But it’s my favourite when you snuggle up with me in bed.

Japa mala. A necklace strung with 108 beads and the single 109th guru bead as a starting point and anchor. Serving as a counter when practicing prayer or mantra meditation, to me the mala is a calming and beautiful symbol of mindfulness and spiritual focus. Commonly constructed with rudraksha beads as the primary base and combined with other gemstones the natural materials and are grounding and a reminder to keep it basic and focus on the simple, natural state of the things. No need to complicate life, you are here, you are valid and are in control. Be peaceful.